There was an old lady staring at her from across the street.

Jubilee, seated on a wooden bench just outside her dentist's office, spared her a quick glance before returning her full attention to the UPS man who had just climbed out of his vehicle. He was clad in tight shorts that managed to hug him in places--one in particular, Jubilee noted gleefully--that practically screamed "indecent exposure".

She smiled brightly at him as he passed her to go into the dentist's office, his arms full of boxes. He smiled back, although she could not help but notice the faint look of distaste in his eyes. As the door swung shut behind him, Jubilee touched her mouth. Her bottom lip still felt like a thick slab of rubber, and when she brushed her fingers along the desensitized flesh, they came away with an entire string of drool.

She just barely resisted the urge to mutter obscenities into the air. No telling what else might dribble and run down her chin if she opened her mouth.

'Come on', she thought, glancing down the road for a familiar black jeep. Of all the times for Jono to be late picking her up…

The UPS man re-exited the office, but Jubilee didn't even bother looking at him. He wasn't *that* hot. He certainly did not resemble a certain Playgirl centerfold, no siree.

Yeah, and he hadn't seen her drooling like a dog.

A shadow passed in front of her. It was the old lady from across the street. She wore a lime green shawl over a violet dress, and in her hands she clutched a large white leather purse that bulged noticeably. Her gaze was peculiarly intense.

"Yeah?" Jubilee asked sullenly, folding her arms across her chest. There was something about the woman's eyes that seemed familiar.

But by the time she remembered, it was too late.

Regardless of what people liked to think, it was not that easy to kidnap children anymore--especially teenagers. Too many years of being scared shit-less, Deadpool decided. Violent movies, parents, Oprah specials on child safety--all of them had definitely put a cap on the number of kids a good mercenary could snatch up. Not that he ever kidnapped children. He had some standards, after all. Just not many.

Of course, he never let those standards get in the way of a good hit--the key to which was currently unconscious. Deadpool frowned. The key? Nah, he could make the hit without her, he decided. But she was prime sidekick material, and with Blind Al, Monty, and Weasel all gone, he had to admit that he was feeling just a little bit lonely.

Deadpool smiled, gazing down upon the girl sprawled on his couch. Nabbing her had been easier than he had thought it would be, although to be fair, she *had* seemed a little distracted. A little struggle would have been nice, though. He'd had to content himself with spraying her in the face with sleeping gas, and ignoring the disconcerted glances of a passing family who had watched a little old lady sling a teenage girl over his--er, her--shoulder. Deadpool sighed. He hadn't wrestled with a young nubile female in a long time. Not unless you counted the neighbor's half-crazed poodle, who had a thing for pink bows and raw meat. Which he didn't. Count, that is.

Deadpool patted Jubilee on the cheek. Her head flopped to one side, and he tried again, this time a little harder. No effect.

"Ok, kid," he muttered. "Time for poppa to wake you up good."

SLAP!

Jubilee's eyes shot wide open, and Deadpool sat back on his heels as her hand flew up to touch her reddening cheek. Her searching gaze found him immediately, but much to his satisfaction, she did not appear terribly alarmed to see him. Only a little dazed, which he supposed was to be expected. Jubilee opened her mouth, and Deadpool quickly placed a gloved finger over her lips. "Now, now," he chirped. "Let me explain, kid. Then you can scream and bite all you want. I'll even *let* you gnaw on me. Deal?"

Jubilee's eyes narrowed, which Deadpool took as a 'yes'. He removed his finger from her lips, and let his hands drape over his knees. The teenager slumped backwards into the couch, gaze trained unwaveringly on his face. He was having trouble reading her expression--not many people could maintain eye contact with him for any length of time, let alone without blinking--and he wondered if he should be bothered, both by that and her apparent complacency. Still, this was Jubilee. Anything was possible with her.

He decided he would be diplomatic and start things off with an apology. "I'm sorry," he said, fighting the urge to pick his nose. "I probably shouldn't have drugged and kidnapped you--got carried away with the whole I-am-woman-hear-me-roar thing--but there's this guy I've been trailing for a while--bad-ass evil, like in a Joan Rivers sort of way--and he's going to be a chaperone at this high school costume dance tonight--which is really just a cover for him to sell some guns--and if it weren't for the fact that I am trying to curb my psychotic tendencies I would launch a few grenades into the place and take care of the guy in one blast--but I don't think that would do much for my image since I still got the thumpies for Theresa--and if I don't get in there tonight I might lose track of him so I need you to be my date so I don't blow my cover."

"Well?" Deadpool asked, after a long moment had passed without a reply.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to wax anal-retentive like the rest of the X-fogies and tell me how twisted and demented and of course brilliantly handsome I am?"

Jubilee stared at him. "Exchuse me?" she replied, straightening up. "Do Ah loak anah-wetentive?"

"Whoa. When did *you* get a speech impediment?"

"Yoah kidnapped me frum de detish!" She muttered something else, but her speech was so thick he couldn't understand a word she said. It was a pity, really. She had one of the most creative mouths he had ever encountered. Not as creative as himself, though. Oh, no.

Of course, now he knew why she had been drooling for the past few minutes. Not, as he had thought, because she was overcome with a passionate lust for his body. Someone had drugged her to put her in that condition.

He had no problems with that.

He left her alone for an hour, fairly confident that she wouldn't try to run out on him. She just didn't seem like the running-type, and even if she was, he was just as confident in his own ability to track her down. While she stewed in the living room, he puttered around the kitchen, experimenting with the various household cleaners under his sink. He hadn't had time to play in a while. When Jubilee finally appeared in the battered doorway, he was just about ready to create the first noxious gas truly capable of burning the hair off a man's chest. Not to mention, everywhere else. Perfect gift for Wolverine, if he could just convince the kid to give it to him.

"So," she drawled. "You need my help."

Deadpool rolled his eyes, and set down a container of bleach. "Nooo, I do *not* need your help, thank-you-oh-so-much. I just need your under-aged body to get me into that school dance." Actually, he didn't even really need her for that--but he wasn't above trying to make people feel good every now and then.

"Let me get this straight," she said, ambling over to the kitchen table where he had been working. "You want to pretend to be my date to a costume ball, which is taking place in a school I don't attend. All because you've heard there's a gun deal going down? Dude, you hurt your head or something?"

"Is it so hard to believe that I could be capable of doing a good deed?" Deadpool asked, placing his hand over his heart.

Jubilee just looked at him.

"Okay, so fine. I don't give a rat's furry little ass about whether or not the teenie-tots get their hands on a shit-load of guns. I just want Mac. I've tracked him down to this school, and tonight I'm going to nail him. Hard."

"So…it's basically a revenge thing."

"Don't get so technical, kid." Deadpool leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the table. "I'm going to do something good tonight, and you are going to be witness to it."

"More like a witness to a crime. Which I think I would almost prefer."

Deadpool's eyes glinted approvingly. "That's the spirit."

He had some ideas for costumes--both for himself and Jubilee--although the girl flatly refused to wear the French maid outfit he had found in Blind Al's closet while rooting around for some misplaced grenades. He did not know why his old housemate and prisoner had kept the black frilly skirt and bodice, and frankly, he really did not *want* to know why.

"I don't understand why you're being so stubborn about it," he grumbled, trying to remember the last time he had seen a woman in something so…French.

Jubilee rolled her eyes, and pointed at her chest.

"Ah," he said, after a moment. "Never mind. We'll find something else."

Which they did (it was amazing what a mercenary could do with a personal transport device programmed to open up in the closed-until-Halloween interior of Ed's House of Holiday Horrors), although when it came time to choose his own costume, Jubilee's response was--again--less than enthusiastic.

"Holy shit!"

"Jeez, will you calm down? It's just me."

"Oh…I didn't recognize you without the mask. You…um, know that you're naked, right?"

"Is it my fault that this costume is sheer? Is it?"

"Dude, that's no costume. That's an endangerment to society."

"See kid? That's all part of my master plan. I've decided that instead of killing people with my bare hands, I'll let the sight of my body do the trick."

Jubilee sighed, and covered her eyes. "Just, like, put a fig leaf on, man."

"Some people have no sense of style," Deadpool groused, turning on his heel. "And don't get any ideas!" he called, looking back over his shoulder. "No matter how much the sight of my scarred, naked ass turns you on, I won't reject my good Christian values and succumb to your seductive ways."

"Thank God," she groaned, and flopped back down on the couch.

Two hours later, a young woman dressed as a Jedi Knight approached the double metal doors of St. Mary's High School. She was accompanied by Barney, who strangely enough was equipped with a set of long, shining steel teeth.

"So, like, when do we get to kick some tail?" Jubilee asked, fingering the hilt of her lightsaber.

"Have patience, my young Padawan. All will become clear."

"It better," she muttered. "Or else I'm going to go all Yoda on your ass."

"That's disgusting," he said, pushing open the decorated double doors with one stubby arm. "And yet, I find myself strangely aroused."

"You're sick," Jubilee commented.

"Yeah," Deadpool replied absently, eyes scanning the crowd of kids and adults who were gently swaying to the dulcet voices of the Backstreet Boys. He didn't see Mac anywhere. Of course, the man was probably in a costume, too. He was just going to have to get up close and personal if he wanted to find the S.O.B. rat-bastard.

Jubilee noticed the lack of energy in his response, and narrowed her eyes. "You know, you never did tell me what this guy did to piss you off so much."

Deadpool--or rather, Barney--glanced down at her. "And I'm not going to. Suffice to say, I was plastered, and he had a video camera--along with certain other accessories."

"He sold the tape, didn't he."

There was a long moment of silence, and Jubilee patted Deadpool on his soft, purple back. "Dude, you have my sympathies."

"I'd rather have his head. Both of them."

"If that makes you feel better," she soothed, and reached for a butter pecan cookie from the refreshment table they were passing. She grabbed a second one and pushed it into the dark maw of Barney's mouth, careful not to touch his teeth. Wet, chewing sounds emanated from within the dinosaur.

"I think we should split up," Deadpool finally announced. "We'll be more subtle that way." Without a second look at Jubilee, he headed deeper into the crowd. His tail nearly knocked over a plastic-toothed vampire and his date, who looked like a cross between Elvira and a Catholic nun. Jubilee watched him amble off, his huge bulk drawing stares and dirty looks. So much for being subtle.

Still, she had said she would help, and Jubilee could think of worse ways to spend a weeknight. Keeping close to the refreshment table, she alternated between snacking and spying, her eyes open for anything that looked suspicious. Of course, she told herself, a guy selling guns to kids probably would not be doing his dirty work on an open dance floor. Like, duh. With that in mind, Jubilee began to wander along the edges of the crowd, watching for anyone leaving or entering the dance whose body language screamed G-U-N.

Jubilee was so focused on her task, she did not notice the strange looking costume causing a stir a short distance away. It was not until she heard a collective titter of embarrassed laughter that she finally turned around to see what the fuss was all about. 'Probably Deadpool,' she thought. And froze.

A Penis was coming towards her. And it was inflating.

'No reason to panic,' she told herself, ripping her eyes away from the incongruous and, frankly, bizarre sight. 'Just turn around and walk away slowly.'

Which she began to do, only to come face to face with Sperm.

"Hi there, honey." It talked to her, a deep voice emerging from within the milky-white Styrofoam helmet, a long, padded streamer glued to the back.

Jubilee narrowed her eyes. "Dude, you better get out of my way."

Something nudged her back, and Jubilee fought down the suddenly violent urge to laugh hysterically while simultaneously vomiting. She looked over her shoulder, and came face to…face with--Oh, God--too many details--

"Ew!" she squealed, and shoved Penis. He stumbled backwards with a muffled cry. He didn't fall, though. Instead, he landed against the soft belly of a purple dinosaur, and bounced back to his feet. Barney folded his arms over his chest.

"These…um…guys bothering you?" He asked Jubilee. She didn't have a chance to respond; Penis stuck himself right in Barney's face.

"What're you gonna do if we are, man? Sing us to death?"

The deep-throated chuckle that emerged from within the purple dinosaur was faintly menacing. Several bystanders--the smart ones, anyway--took a few steps back. Penis, rather fittingly, did not.

"Well?" Penis asked again. "You big, fat, son-of-a-bit--"

They never did get to hear him finish. Barney bit down on Penis, whose prompt scream was muffled by a very loud popping sound. Sperm began to run to his friend's defense, only to be stopped short by Jubilee, who grabbed hold of his tail and yanked him off his feet. She stomped down hard on the Styrofoam helmet, which cracked beneath her boot sole.

She heard a muffled "Ow!" and took a step back.

"That'll teach you," she muttered. She glanced up to find Barney trying, with some difficulty, to crouch over the man in the torn penis costume. The purple dinosaur's large belly kept getting in the way.

"Yo, kid," he called. There was hint of excitement in his voice. "Tear the mask off this fellow, will ya?"

"I'm too young for this," Jubilee muttered, scrunching up her face in disgust. She bent down and peeled back the rubber mask, which she saw had air tubes running through it. The tubes were attached to a small hand held pump that lay on the floor near the man's hand. Gritting her teeth--this had to be one of the grossest things she had ever done--she finally was able to expose the man's face. "Happy?" she growled, wiping her hands on Barney's stomach.

"Oh yeah," he breathed. "This is Mac--the guy I was looking for."

Jubilee blinked. "No way."

"Way."

"But--but--" she stammered. "I thought this was going to be, like, *difficult* or something. A little life-threatening, at least. What kind of idiot gun-seller dresses up as a--a--you-know-what, and then actually makes passes at teen-age girls? Doesn't that get in the way of the job or something?"

"Well, that's Mac for ya. Never was big in the brains department. But now he's *all* mine." There was something faintly disturbing about seeing Barney maniacally rub his claws together, all the while grinning with a mouthful of razor sharp steel teeth. A crowd of curious on-lookers had gathered around them, and they immediately backed off. Jubilee nudged the man in the sperm costume, who was curled up on his side, groaning.

"What about his buddy? You want him, too?"

There was a moment of silence. "Nah. 'Sides, you're heavier than you look--and with Mac along for the ride, I'm not entirely sure that my new super-duper personal transport device will get us all back to my place in one piece."

"Gee, thanks," Jubilee drawled. "You know, you could just do the revenge part now and get it over with. That way, you won't have to worry about the *extra weight*." She mumbled something else under her breath, glaring at her partner-in-crime.

Deadpool slapped his cushioned purple forehead with his palm. "Why didn't *I* think of that?"

So, while Jubilee went and told one of the more responsible looking adults to inform the police (whom the cape-clad man was in the middle of calling) to look for some sort of stock pile of guns on the school premises and on the bodies of the men in the, as she said, "gross costumes", Deadpool exacted his revenge.

Jubilee never asked him just what he did, although she returned just in time to hear a deep, horrified groan swell upwards from the gathered crowd of costumed teenagers. Deadpool did not give her a chance to look--he grabbed her hand, pushed a button on the band taped around his purple wrist, and a moment later the two of them were standing in the middle of his apartment.

"Dude," she said, when her vision finally cleared. "This has been a weird, weird night. Kind of cool, considering you kidnapped me and all, but weird."

"All in a day's work," Deadpool replied, stripping off his costume. "I aim to please."

"So, you happy with the way things went down?" Jubilee watched him as she asked the question, just a little curious about how he would respond. She liked this guy--he was cool like Wolvie, only much, much crazier.

Deadpool shrugged, stepping out of the thick, purple Barney suit. "I'm never *really* happy, kid. But I got my revenge--didn't even have to kill the guy to do it, although I probably should have. I guess I'm okay, though. Karma's intact, and everything." He paused, and stared at her with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Thanks," he said.

"For what?"

"I would have killed Mac for sure if you hadn't been there tonight. I'm still, you know, trying to improve myself and all that, so yanking his head off his shoulders would probably have been a step backwards."

"Probably," Jubilee agreed solemnly. "But if you change your mind, you can always go find him again. I'm not sure anyone with that bad of taste deserves to live."

"That doesn’t include me, does it?"

"Never," she said, and flashed him a grin.

Jubilee spent the night on Deadpool's couch, and the next morning (after a prolonged fight over the last bowl of fruit loops, which she won by temporarily blinding her competitor) he brought her back to the academy via his personal transport device. Sean, who must have been pacing just inside the entranceway, nearly ripped the front door off its hinges when he opened it. His eyes lingered on Deadpool for only an instant before he leapt forward and pulled Jubilee into a quick, tight hug.

"Jubilee! Where in the hell--we've been--Lord Christ Almighty--don't ye EVER disappear like that again!" The poor man sputtered. Jubilee held up her hands in a defensive gesture, and took a step back.

“Geez, Irish--what pill have *you* been taking?”

“Well, from the looks of his spandex underwear," Deadpool chimed. "I’d say Viagra.”

“Deadpool.” Sean gritted his teeth as he said the mercenary’s name.

“Sean,” Deadpool replied. “Still as sweet tempered as ever. Have you been eating Lucky Charms again?”

Sean's face turned a spectacular shade of purple, and Jubilee quickly placed herself between him and the mercenary. "Hey, dude. Like, no harm done, okay? Okay, Mr. Cassidy?"

Sean tore his eyes from Deadpool's face, and looked at Jubilee. His features softened just a fraction. "Yuir all right, then? He didnae hurt ye?"

"Nah," she told him, waving her hand. "In fact," and here she patted Deadpool's arm. "We had a very cool time."

"Cool." He repeated flatly. Deadpool smirked.

"Cool outta your mind, Sean," he said. "Cool, with a capital 'C', as in Cooool."

Sean's only response was a loud grunt. He looked down at Jubilee. "Are ye comin' lass?"

"In a minute," she replied airily.

Sean began to turn purple--again--but much to Deadpool's surprise, the man merely nodded. "Fine," he said. "Just…dinnae go anywhere." He sent a glare in Deadpool's direction, and the mercenary shrugged. Sean growled and turned on his heel. Within moments he disappeared into the house, the door slamming shut behind him. Deadpool sighed.

"Theresa's dad hates me, doesn't he."

Jubilee patted his arm. "You're just…different. Besides, all fathers are protective. It's in their genes. Anyway, doesn't it really matter what Theresa thinks?"

"Uh-huh. Let's face it, kid. I'm an outta-this-world lookin' freak. I don't have a chance." Oh Lord, he was going to get depressed again…time for some hard liquor.

Jubilee frowned thoughtfully. "I don't know," she said, surprising him out of the first stages of a potential month-long funk. "If it weren't for your face, you'd be kind of sexy."

"Yeah?" This definitely had possibilities. "Well, if it weren't for your age, you'd be legal."

"Like you care about things like that."

Deadpool stared at her. "You know, if you keep this up, I just might get some ideas." He was already getting some…

Jubilee's glare was pure menace. "Dude, don't even think about it."

He shrugged. "Have it your way. But if you ever want a night of wild monkey love, you've got my digits."

"You are *such* a pervert."

"Yeah," he said, nodding thoughtfully. A soft, knowing smile spread over his face, hidden by his mask. "I am."
 

The End