It’s been awhile, since I could hold my head high
It’s been awhile, since I first saw you and
It’s been awhile, since I could stand on my own two feet again
But everything I can’t remember, as fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered, I’ve stretched myself beyond my means
 

Three months.  Three fuckin’ months, and I’m ready to throw in the proverbial towel, and face my future.  I found my past, much as I’d like to forget it.  I learned what I’ve always suspected.  I was in the fucking army.  My file read as follows:

Province of Alberta.  Canadian Army.  Corporal J. Logan.  Dishonorable discharge, May 1996.
Reason: Insubordination.
Province of Alberta, Canada:
Missing Person: One J. Logan.
Date of disappearance May 1996.
Declared legally dead: May 2000.

Fuckin’ fantastic.  I’m apparently dead.  At least I know who I am, or was anyway.  I’m assuming my discharge and sudden disappearance weren’t coincidental.  I don’t believe in coincidence, things happen for a reason plain and simple.

Armed with this new information, I’m supposed to head back to New York.  I hate to admit it, but I’m scared shitless.
 

It’s been awhile, since I could say that I wasn’t addicted
It’s been awhile, since I could say I love myself as well
It’s been awhile, since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It’s been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you
But everything I can’t remember as fucked up, as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered, I’ve gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way, just make this all go away
Just one more peaceful day
 

Marie.  Just that name makes me part horny, and part nervous.  Shut the fuck up, I’m entitled too that.  Just cause I’m a badass don’t mean I don’t have feelings.  I know she wants me, loves me even.  I feel the same way and goddamnit she knows it.  She always has.  I’m so fuckin’ wrapped around her cute, little gloved finger its just unfuckinbelievable.  I want her, and she wants me.  I am not good enough for her though, she deserves something better.  In fact nobody’s good enough for her.  I will go back to Westchester to tell her that, and then I’ll leave.  Yeah, and the Pope’s Jewish.

She’ll get it into her pretty little head that what I’m really trying to say is “ Nobody here is going to fuckin’ touch you, and I need you to come with me to travel the continent to make sure that doesn’t happen.” And who am I to disagree with that?

Marie makes me feel good about myself.  She is the only real person I’ve ever met, and the fact that she thinks there is something salvageable inside of me, makes me insanely happy.  If someone like her can see good in a thing like me, then I can’t be all bad right?  The only question is what if she changes her mind some day?  Then what?
 

It’s been awhile, since I could look at myself straight
It’s been awhile, since I said I’m sorry
It’s been awhile, since I’ve seen the way the candle lights your face
But I can still remember, just the way you taste
But everything I can’t remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it’s me, I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

It’s been awhile, since I could hold my head up high
It’s been awhile, since I said I’m sorry
 

I know that I hurt her when I left.  I hate it, but it happened.  She knows I’m sorry about it.  But I need to tell her myself.  Shit like that means a lot too her you know?  My past is, well it’s dead and gone.  Time to move on.  I think, I know Marie is the person to help me move on.  She won’t care what I did in the past; she’s cool like that.  That’s why I love her. That and the fact that she’s this incredible, beautiful, adventurous, intelligent, and thousands of other adjectives person.  And she picked me. Of all people.

That is a fuckin’ gift that I thank whoever’s up there for.  That is also the reason I’m headin' back to New York.  To Westchester.  To my future. Towards love.