I see her, you know. Every night, every time my head touches my pillow she comes to me like a memory from a dream or an Angel from above. There is no sweeter torture than this. When I reach for her she disappears and fades away. She’s like fragile glass; hold on too tightly and she breaks and leaves you with broken pieces of glass digging painfully into your flesh.

In dreams….in dreams anything can happen yet still I keep loosing her. I try so hard to keep her with me but she keep slipping away.

I talk with her but she never answers me. I wish she would. When I say I’m sorry I wish she’d say she forgives me. When I say I love her I wish she’d say she knows…I need to hear those words. I need to be certain that she knows.

My heart hurts but my own thoughts hurts me the worst. All the doubts I have, all the uncertainties. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how much she meant to me? Did I tell her? Did I do everything I could for her? Did I miss the signals she was sending me? Did I? Did she know?

I’ve thought about talking with someone about this but I don’t know whom it should be. Who would understand? Every time I forget her death for just a minute I feel ashamed and like I’m betraying her memory, if I’m happy for just a moment I feel like I’m dishonouring all she meant to me. But on the other hand; do I mourn her for her sake…or my own?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. But I do know this; every night in my dreams she comes to me. All dressed in white she floats over the floor and stands beside my bed. I try not to touch her though all I want to do is take her in my arms. Her lips move but I can’t hear the words. I try so hard to hear them but I can’t. Why can’t I hear her? Is it a sign? That I didn’t listen to her when she was alive? Is it a warning so I won’t do it again?

I don’t know. But I do know that though seeing her brings tears to my eyes I’ll die without her in my life.

I wish the nights would last forever so I’ll never be forced to leave her again. So I could always be with her.

So, I put my head to my pillow and close my eyes and waits for her to reappear. A smile curves my lips when I see her and this time I swear; I’ll not leave her. Not again. Never again. I promised I’ll take care of her and that I will…….that I will.

And my eyes stay closed forever.
 

The End